Onion Headline

One of my headlines was used for an infographic in The Onion today.

State Apologies

All the Ska that's Fit to Print

Ska music changed my life. I know, I know. It's embarrassing, but true.

In 1997 I was in 6th grade. My favorite band was the Smashing Pumpkins. I had a poster from their "Tonight, Tonight" music video on my wall. My screen name was "SpForever2." It was my first screen name. Up to that point my music library didn't consist of much more than every Nirvana CD, a taped copy of Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness (complete with photocopied cover and liner notes) and an incomplete copy of a Ramones tape that I was too young to appreciate. That year the Mighty Mighty Bosstones hit it big on MTV with their video for "The Impression That I Get." About that time my friend Andy started talking about a new style of music called ska. His older brother Dwight sold me a ska "comp" (mix tape) for one dollar. It was called All The Ska That's Fit To Print Vol. 2. That tape started me in the right direction (I still remember most of the track list), but I still had a little more growing to do before I renounced popular music forever.

In 7th grade, Andy and I became friends with another young ska fan named Josh. He also had an older brother. Josh's brother didn't make mix tapes, but he did organize and promote shows. My first show ever was on the basketball court inside the Grand Slam sports complex in my town. Since Josh's brother was running the show, we got to come early and play basketball with one of the bands.

We, along with our friend Greg spent the first half of the show standing scared on the side of the band performing, directly in front of one of the speakers (around where the power forward would be standing), and having a great time. We moved after Greg knocked over a bottle of red Gatorade inside one band's guitar case. I had to leave before the last band took the court; my dad was waiting for me in the parking lot. The Smashing Pumpkins poster wouldn't last another week in my room after that.

Looking back, some of the bands at that first show were actually pretty good. Worthless, One Cool Guy and Edna's Goldfish (whom I missed at that show, but picked up a copy of Before You Knew Better before I left) have all held up over the years to some degree. I don't think that mattered to me much back then. I was standing in front a speaker so loud for half the show that it actually made me disoriented. I certainly couldn't have deciphered much of the music through the ringing in my ears. What really excited me back then was the energy around me, and the realization that this was something new and different from the mainstream. I had found music I could call my own.

Over the next couple years I would attend local shows at least once a month, usually at the Cheesequake Firehouse or Club Bene (RIP). I was young and impressionable. I bought into every ideal popular in ska music. DIY? Anti-Rascism? Unity? If there was a patch for it, then it was on my book bag in eighth grade, along with a patch and/or button from each of my favorite bands. I didn't realize that things ska bands were marketing didn't necessarily have anything to do with music. To this day I'm not sure why I proudly wore an anti-swastika patch in a predominantly Jewish, upper-middle class, and white suburb with no Nazis anywhere. Back then it made sense though. I liked to dance to music with horns, which was why I hated fascism, I guess.

During that time of my life ska seemed important. It defiantly stood in the face of the status quo. Ska was here to stay and it belonged to the kids. A year later I was listening to punk bands from Boston and some hardcore. I guess that's how musical trends work. The only music trend that ever lasted was rock 'n' roll. And the kids that loved Elvis in the 1950s complain about today's rock bands for the same reasons that they loved their rock 'n' roll back in the day.

Why the nostalgia trip? Tonight Reel Big Fish played at my university. Seeing them play while everyone danced took me back, but not as much as the opening band. Awful Waffle, from somewhere in NJ, may have arrived at my school in a time machine from 1997. The band's singer was actually wearing baggy khaki shorts that hung down below his ass and ended mid-calf. He injected every song with the cliche "pick-it-ups" and "hup-hup-hups" of the ska bands of yore. His lyrics had something to do with peeing on someone. I hate to admit it, but Awful Waffle was actually kind of fun. One thing I admire about ska above all other genres is that ska has never been about looking cool. Awful Waffle certainly did not look cool. They did get the audience to dance and smile, though.

Here's to the style of music that wore it's intentions on it's sleeve, and gave everyone in the high-school band a chance to look cool for a couple years.

I Used to Have a Great Name

I used to think my name was great. The K and C sounds work well together. It has a nice rhythm. It flows well. Tonight as I watched the opening credits to Final Destination 3 I learned of a an actor whose name puts mine to shame. In fact, his name is so exciting that I'm giving it its own line.

"Texas Battle"

Don't believe me? I checked it out. The only mystery left is whether it's a stage name, or if he came from the Battle family and his parents actually named him Texas.

Onion Headline

One of my headlines was used in The Onion recently.
Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad

My New Year's Resolution

I know I still have a couple of days before I have to officially declare my New Year's Resolution, but I've thought of a good one so I'm going to do it now, before I forget.

I'm going to be louder in 2007.

The Great Molasses Flood

In January of 1919, the funniest thing to ever happen in the lives of 21 living Bostonians, several horses and a cat occured. They were hit with a 35 mph wall of molasses from a ruptured holding tank near the river. The sticky, brown goo killed all of the previously mentioned, flattened buildings, hospitalized over one hundred people and left North Boston aromatic and delicious.

I first learned about the Boston Molasses Disaster from a show on the Discovery Channel (or Learning Channel, or History Channel; aren't they all the same?) called "Greatest Engineering Disasters." It was the kind of show I watched when I wanted to see bridges collapse. Really though, I only watched the Boston Molasses episode. It clearly was the greatest engineering disaster, and watching future episodes would only leave me disappointed.

I've renamed my blog in honor of the funniest tragedy in America's history. You can read more about the Boston Molasses Disaster here.

Allah Thinks My Hair Is Great

It happened today. I decided to cut my hair. I don't know what pushed me over the edge. Something convinced me to destroy one of the largest afros in Kevin history.

With $20 in my pocket I set out for the campus hair-cuttery this afternoon. I took a picture of myself frowning before I left. I walked around the SAM (Students At Macquarie) building for ten minutes searching for the barber. I never found it. I told myself that it was a sign. Some higher power has determined that it's not time for a haircut yet.

Evening TV Taught Me How To Exploit America

I watched an ABC documentary on American Polarization today. It was obviously made in America, so I was flattered that Australians would care about such an issue. The basic premise was that the current trend in my homeland is for people to live in communities of like-minded people and that discourse among opposing sides was dying. They presented some studies that seemed to explain the phenomena. In short, opinions become more exaggerated when people are in a group of like-minded humans.

I'm trying to figure out how I can translate this information into a swimming pool filled with Jello.

Surf Wax AUS

I wrote the essay below for a print media class here in Australia. The assignment was to right about a quick, chaotic series of events. I chose to write about an experience I had surfing a couple weeks ago.

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Only 15 meters away and approaching quickly was the biggest wave I had ever seen. It came towards me like a building. I paddled like hell.

As the wave came closer, all I could think about was that there was no way I was moving fast enough to catch it. I expected the whole towering mass to collapse on my body, crush me and leave me very dead.

The wave lifted me up out of the water and then the unthinkable happened.

I stood up.

For the brief moment I stood at the highest point of the wave I was on top of the world. I felt like I was flying. It was the most exciting and terrifying moment of my life up to that point.

I went from the top of the wave to the bottom like a bolt of lightning. I was in control. I bent my knees and brushed the water with my fingers. I leaned back to keep my nose from getting pushed under. I could barely contain my excitement when the board slid out from under me. The back of my head was the first thing to hit the water, followed shortly by face, chest, stomach, and legs respectively. This was the part where I would be killed.

Water rushed on all sides of me. I was pushed, pulled, twisted and mangled. I bounced across the ocean floor. I was a piñata. The rope around my ankle jerked my leg from side to side, disjointedly pulling me towards the beach.

And then everything was still. I opened my eyes and exhaled the air from my lungs. I was still underwater. I looked around, searching for the sky. I felt for my leg rope to make sure my board was still attached and then climbed it to the surface.

---

The gist of the story was true. It was my first time standing on an unbroken wave. What happened afterwards was greatly exaggerated. That wave did give me a run for it's money, but the stuff about not knowing which way was up didn't happen. I read about that on surf message boards and decided it fit well in my story.

Today I battled and lost to a much larger wave and can now explain, with authority, what it's like to get your ass kicked by the ocean.

After drifting behind the wolf pack of seasoned surfers, I found myself to be the only one in position to catch what looked like a pretty good average-size wave. Somewhere in between me making the decisions that it was average-sized, and that this was a good idea the wave grew into a monster. It was an immense wall of water. That didn't deter me; I was still convinced this was a good idea.

I didn't even get as far as standing up this time. The wave picked me up and I managed to catch it. I flew down the crest of the wave. I pressed my arms against the board and threw my body up in an attempt to stand. I didn't stand. Although I'm not sure what happened instead, some of the onlookers may know. Regardless, I was no longer in control of my arms and legs as the wave whipped me around and juggled me under the current. At one point the wave had me kick myself in the ass, the result was a pretty massive leg cramp.

"I should have stretched," I thought as I summersaulted through the water.

When things finally calmed down I didn't know which way was up. I was excited by this sensation because I had read about it and it made me feel more credible as a surfer. Finding the surface wasn't difficult though. I wasn't sure if my board was attached to my ankle, not having noticed it in a while, but found it quickly when it hit me in the head upon surfacing. I couldn't stop smiling as I paddled back to the beach. If it wasn't for my leg cramp I would have given it another go.

On a side note, I've been going to Bondi Beach this week instead of Manly. Bondi has the reputation of being full of the most attractive people in Sydney. And, every time I go there, it is.

Hi There.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. "Voraciously" would be the word I would use to describe the way I've been reading, if I didn't think it sounded pretentious. But there, I guess I've gone and done it anyway.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, mostly wikipedia, newspapers and alternative weeklies. Despite the amount of reading I've been doing, I've done virtually no writing. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't start writing, and I think it's time, if I seriously want to be a writer, that I start writing. So this will be my forum for whatever style of writing I feel like, be it stories about my life, current events criticism, comedy, poetry (but probably not poetry), etc. It'll also allow me the self-serving function of someday looking back on the things I was thinking about at various times. That is, of course, if I manage to keep this running for more than a couple days.

Anyways, dear reader, enjoy my attempt at something constructive and (hopefully) entertaining.